Post dream

i just had one of the strangest dream.  you were informing me of your decision to get married, your exact words “tuloy na tuloy na”. and I was being my usual self and replied “baka naman pwede pa magbago isip mo”. and then I woke up, crying. 

the real story, you did got married almost six years ago. 

maybe the dream was a reminder that after all these years, yes, I have moved on with my life but I will never get over the fact that you have already found the love of your life 

Batanes is making me emotional. Time to pack my bag and return to reality

03.06.2020

four years after

Just because you're used to it, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt anymore

Yearender

2014 gave me so many things to be thankful of and last night, I only prayed for one thing: Acceptance. To be able to accept things that I cannot change, to understand what is not for me. Acceptance will allow me to be free from the shackles of denial and move forward in life. They say that today is the start of a new book, 365 pages of blank paper awaits me. I plan to fill it with notes about brand new opportunities, anecdotes of travels (yes, I plan on doing that Sagada trip), stories of new adventures, profile of new acquaintances, schedule of exciting activities and hopefully, details of something that I've been putting off for one year. Hello 2015!

happy 30th birthday G

tan tan tanan

My first love (not my 1st boyfriend) tied the knot last Saturday. I was having a hard time composing my tweet, my hands were shaking. And after seeing their pictures and on-site video, I was crying. Honestly, after seven years, a part of me still hoped that we will still end up together but maybe God has better plans for the two of us. Thank you CM for the love and for everything that you have taught me. I will always smile each time your name will come out. Your bride looked stunning, and her gown, so elegant. And wow, Manila Hotel? You really prepared for it :-)

I wish you two well.

She is your happy ending, and I am still waiting for mine to come. 

saying goodbye: HIMYM series finale

can't wait to go home today and crawl in my bed and watch the series finale of my favorite TV show. nine seasons, more than 200 episodes, five amazing friends, and the search for Ted Mosby's "the one". I'll try not to cry too much later. it will be bittersweet and legendary.

update:

it wasn't the perfect ending that almost everyone was waiting for, but for Ted Mosby, it was the ending that he wanted since the 1st episode: him having kids and ending up with Robin, his one true love. It was the story of Ted's journey of searching, waiting and finally finding the one.

Aww moments:
1. Barney saying that  "if it wasn't going to happen with Robin, it wasn't going to happen with anyone"
2. Finding out that the Mother died
3. Marshall and Lily throwing the last Halloween party and saying goodbye to the apartment. The part where Robin said that "The five of us hanging out at MacLaren's doing stupid things is over." and leaving Lily crying in the middle of the empty apartment
4. The final appearance of the blue french horn (I can still remember Ted saying to Robin "I would have stolen the whole orchestra for you")

5. and Barney's moment with Ellie “You are the love of my life. Everything I have and everything I am is yours. Forever,”

himym s9 ep17

"Actually, there is a word for that. It’s love. I’m in love with her, okay? If you’re looking for the word that means caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you, it’s love. And when you love someone you just, you…you don’t stop, ever. Even when people roll their eyes, and call you crazy. Even then. Especially then. You just– you don’t give up. Because if I could just give up…if I could just, you know, take the whole world’s advice and– and move on and find someone else, that wouldn’t be love. That would be… that would be some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for. But I– that is not what this is." - Ted Mosby, HIMYM s9 ep 17

messages

let me share to you some of the text messages i have recieved for the past weeks. suprisingly, it helps...

- after you syand, try to sit. when you are tired, just rest. try to this in love. don't insist if it

Goodbye 2013

Dear 2013,

You will be that year that I will never forget. It started high: got promoted, transferred to a new working environment, finished my academic requirements, traveled and tried extreme adventures, learned how to drive, got Red. Then it went low to very very low: our family lost a much-loved relative, encountered work-related issues that went personal, and had my heart broken. I am only regaining acceleration now and starting to pick up the broken pieces.

You were a year of tests as they would say. You tested my faith, patience, heart, and yes, you tested friends. You were tough,still, I thanked you for everything that happened because it proved that I was tougher.
 

I'm claiming that 2014 is my year for God knows my heart's deepest desire.

extreme

I survived Asia's longest dual zipline, 840m! Dahilayan Park, Bukidnon. 12.13.13

8 months after...

If you leave someone at least tell them why, because what's more painful than being abandoned; is knowing you're not worth an explanation.

 - Twitter post, 2012

Sirach

I was getting impatient for the past few weeks, always looking for answers to questions that's been bothering me. But in today's 1st reading, the prophet Sirach reminded me (mas tagos pag Tagalog):
 

"Huwag mong hangaring maunawaan ang mga bagay na lampas sa iyong kakayahan, huwag mong saliksikin ang hindi mo kayang malaman" - Sirak 3:19-21, 30-31

finally

Just Give Me A Reason (Pink feat. Nate Ruess)

Right from the start
You were a thief
You stole my heart
And I your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them
Now you've been talking in your sleep, oh, oh
Things you never say to me, oh, oh
Tell me that you've had enough
Of our love, our love
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
I'm sorry I don't understand
Where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine
(Oh, we had everything)
Your head is running wild again
My dear we still have everythin'
And it's all in your mind
(Yeah, but this is happenin')
You've been havin' real bad dreams, oh, oh
You used to lie so close to me, oh, oh
There's nothing more than empty sheets
Between our love, our love
Oh, our love, our love
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
I never stopped
You're still written in the scars on my heart
You're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
Oh, tear ducts and rust
I'll fix it for us
We're collecting dust
But our love's enough
You're holding it in
You're pouring a drink
No nothing is as bad as it seems
We'll come clean
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
Oh, we can learn to love again
Oh, we can learn to love again
Oh, oh, that we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

bawas

Hindi nakakabawas ng pagkatao ang pag-ayaw. Mas hahangaan ka pa nga dahil may lakas ka ng loob para sabihin to kumpara sa bglaang pagtalikod.

 

05 May 2013

the end

Mactan - Cebu International Airport
03 May 2013
1930H

G,

December 08, 2012, I was in this same place waiting for our flight back to Manila. It was one of those moments wherein I don't want to go back but will rather stay here in Cebu with you. I was at my happiest that day. Imagine, two years of praying has paid off. You told me that you love me.

Almost five months after, I am not even sure if all of it were true. You are still not talking to nor acknowledging my existence. Yes, I finally snapped three weeks ago when I finally told you what I was keeping for for a long time. I am so hurt with what happened to us. I was not given the chance to hear an explanation from you.

G, how do you start letting go of something that you've always wanted? For weeks, yun ang ginagawa ko. I've set deadlines na ako mismo ang hindi sumusunod. I was waiting for a change of heart, I was waiting na everything will get back to where it was before. Until now, wala akong makitang reason kung bakit for how many times balewala ako sayo. But I don't need to dwell anymore, nangyari na lahat eh. Saturated na ako, gustuhin ko man na umasa pa, alam at nararamdaman ko naman na wala nang mangyayari. Naisip ko kasi, kung ginusto mo na maayos tayo, you could have easily reached me. Pero wala dba.

I was praying for closure, for a clean break for you. Pero tama sila, sapat ng closure yung paglayo mo. You chose the easy way out, walang usap, walang confrontation and it's so unfair G. But I will give it to you. Ako na ang titigil, ako na din ang lalayo ng tuluyan sayo. Kahit masakit, kahit hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit nangyayari to. Also, hindi na makatarungan para sa mga taong laging nandyan para sa akin pero lagi ko din binabalewala yung mga sinasabi nila.

Nagpunta ako dito sa Cebu to face my fears. I will never look Cebu the same way again. There will always be a tinge of pain lalong lalo na dito sa airport pre-departure area. McDonalds Jones Ave. will be a reminder of what happened, same with Sarrosa and Parklane Hotel. I will never go to Sagada because you will always come to my mind pag nabanggit yun.

Akala ko makakaya ko ang lahat pero how can I hold on to a hand that is letting go? Suko na ako G. Nagmahal lang naman ako, minahal lang naman kita sa pamamaraan na alam ko. I would like to think na naibigay at nagawa ko na ang lahat to save the "relationship" pero ikaw mismo ang ayaw magpa-save.

Tama ako, I always have my heart broken in Cebu. In 2010, I left my heart here when I met you. In 2011, I got my heart broken here. In 2012, my heart was in its happiest state when I left Cebu. And now, May 2013, I think the pattern has to end. Sabi kanina ni Ironman kay Pepper, "you've got to let go. I will catch you." Ganun na nga G, I have to let go of you. I need to let you go already. You will be that one lesson that I had to learn in a very hard and hurtful way. I do not regret loving you, it was a risk that I took but eventually failed. What I regret is forcing myself to you, forcing you to love me, kahit na alam ko naman na imposible.

Someday, someone will catch me.

Laarni


Note:
I was crying incoherently the whole time we were waiting at the boarding gate of the airport, hanggang sa pag-take off ng plane, I was sobbing. It was December 10, 2011 all over again

unang buhos

I was listening to one of the old talks of my favorite Kerygma preacher, Bro. Arun Gogna. He was saying that success is execution,that we may have great plans but we have to do it to succeed. He asked what are the things that we have been putting off, what plans and decisions are we delaying kasi we are waiting for the perfect opportunity to do it. One of the most common reasons daw why people do  not change their life because they are waiting for the perfect condition to change. Yung tamang kondisyon sa buhay para magbago. Yun bang "bago ako mag-asawa, kelangan me bahay na ko" "bago ako magresign, dapat me bago na kong trabaho". But perfect condition do not happen. If we keep on waiting for the perfect condition, hindi natin magagawa kung ano man yung mga plano natin.

He likened it sa paliligo sa umaga gamit ang tabo. Anlamig lamig sa umaga, kaya antagal tagal natin magdecide na magbuhos na kasi sa lamig ng tubig. Pero ano ba yung usual na sinasabi sa atin ng mga magulang natin pagdating doon? Usually sinasabi "sa unang buhos lang yan malamig, pagkatapos nyan wala na" and totoo naman hindi ba? 

Ganun din sa pagtupad ng mga plano natin unang buhos lang ang mahirap, sa unang buhos lang masakit.

And I asked myself, ano ba yung dinedelay ko na gawin. simple lang, isang bagay lang. yung makipaghiwalay kay G. I've been putting off sending that text message to him saying "mas mabuti pa siguro, tapusin na lang natin eto kasi wala naman din nangyayari". I've been delaying and giving myself deadlines na hindi ko din naman sinusunod. kasi I'am still waiting for that moment na siya ang magsasabi, or kakausapin nya ko ulit then everything will be ok again with us. Why have I been putting it off? Kasi masakit, kasi me finality, and that will truly mean the end of "us" (kung meron ngang "us" to begin with).

I was asked, umaasa pa daw ba ako na maayos kaming dalawa? Honestly, oo. kasi isipin ko pa lang yung scenario na maghihiwalay na, ansakit sakit na. Yun nga langm I have to be realistic na the way things are going, chances are, doon din ang punta namin, sa hiwalayan. no matter how i hold on, this will end.

And the reflection came to my mind. sa unang buhos lang malamig, sa unang buhos lang mahirap, sa unang buhos lang masakit....  

battle cry

"You all have someone who loves you and you're screwing it up, and over what? Who has the most power? That's not love! Love is trusting someone enough to tell them what's really bothering you." - HIMYM

 Love is trusting someone enough to tell them what's really bothering you...

fed-up

11 April 2013

 

G,

sa tingin mo ok, pero sa totoo lang, hindi talaga. naguguluhan na kasi ako. ikaw ang nagdedecide kung kelan mo ko kakausapin, pinipili mo kung ano lang ang sasagutin mo, kapag me sinabi ako na hindi mo nagustuhan that would mean not hearing from you for weeks and I don't even know kung anong mali sa sinabi ko. there must be a reason kung bakit nagagawa mo for how many times na. pero I don't blame you, fault ko to. kasi pinilit ko lang naman lahat. kung hindi ko siguro pinilit yung sarili ko sayo, hindi siguro ako nasasaktan ngayon.

promoted

"even if you and I are not talking and everything seems to be complicated, you are still the first person that I would like to share the good news with. I did it, I got the promotion."

i texted him yesterday, pero wala pa din.

it's really over