musing

Musing

As I was cleaning our room, notebooks of mine when I was still in high school caught my attention. Flipping through the pages, reminiscing the good old days when everything is at my disposal, I saw phrases that made me smile
He must be 5 years older than me
Religious
Mestizo
Taller than me
He must be sweet
He must be thoughtful
Turning over some pages, it turned out that it was an assignment for our PEHM class. The question goes like this: What are the qualities that you are looking for a future partner in life? Young and naïve, I thought that finding a perfect partner that would suit me would be like finding the perfect pair of shoes to go with my dress. After 2 relationships and one currently, my concept turned out wrong. Yeah, like shoes, it is very frustrating to find a partner that would fit you, for shoes searching; it may take you the whole day to find out, in finding someone, it may take years or even your whole life to stumble on one. But shoes, after a couple of days, if it does not match your taste, can be exchange for another pair. If you’re luckier, you can return your purchase with you money back. In love, there is a “no return, no exchange” policy, either you continue your relationship or break it out with him, thus sacrificing emotion, time and love you had showered him.
I met boyfriend #1 when I was still in high school. He was 5 years my senior, a budding music teacher, a devoted Christian. No courtship was established between us, for it was mutual for both of us. He was my first date, first kiss and first disappointment in my belief that my first boyfriend would be my last. Plans of us marrying after I graduate surfaced, we even talked about names for our future children. It continued until I entered college, even though there are many prospects to choose from, I chose to remain faithful. I believed it was forever, that nothing would ever come our way. But after 1 year and 9 months, he broke up with me. I knew it was coming, the signs were all there, what came as a surprise was the timing, it was 23 days before Christmas. Tears came coupled with gale of what ifs and maybes. But hey, realization hit me, it was not my lost. He was in a hurry to settle down, I’m not.
Boyfriend #2 came in my life in 2003. We’ve known each other since my CAT days. We live separate lives until circumstances made us see each other on unlikely places and events. We started texting and calling each other frequently, or rather I was calling and texting him. Too late, I recognized I’ve fallen for him, fallen very hard. We became a couple, but it lasted for only a week. Why? He was not ready for a commitment. For four months, all I did was pester him, intentionally sending him messages that was meant for other people, calling him every chance I got. I stoop down so low, swallowed my pride wishing that things would change and he would come back to me. On the 5th month, realization struck me again. I gave up, maybe someone better will come along I told myself.
Boyfriend #3, a happy-go-lucky person, we’ve met through boyfriend #2. Our relationship was somewhat like a deal for both of us. He was free that time, and so was I. We decided to give it a try for 3 months, then who knows? Maybe it’ll work, despite the fact that he knew about my unrequited love to #2. 3 months passed, the relationship ended. Nothing went wrong, except we equally know that there is no future for us. Another failed relationship for me, I was running out of hope. I prayed for Divine intervention to come…
Alas, someone did come along, boyfriend #2. For 2 years since we reconciled, the road toward happiness has not been smooth. Trials and problems came our way, and they still await us, but we are coping. We are struggling to keep our relationship at bay, but knowing that we love each other makes the fight easier.
Those qualities that I had written years ago, does not fit anyone mentioned above, well, except the fact that they are all older than me. Looking for a perfect man who fits all your qualifications is like looking for gold in the sand. Time and experience taught me that there is no such thing as perfection. Merely liking someone because he fits your bill is not love. Love is about compromises, sacrifices, is must be a symbiotic relationship. Many things can disillusioned us on what love really means but for me, accepting someone beyond his imperfection, then that is love.
dream_light
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