epilogue

For you,
I was attracted to you since from the first day that I saw you during one of those Sunday masses. I knew that you are friends with the other pastoral workers, but I was too hesitant to ask them about you. That smile of yours is one of the guilty pleasures I enjoy every time I’ll see you. Not long after, introductions were made between us. Thanks to the help of a mutual friend, we started exchanging messages which helped me in knowing you more, and eventually, liking you more.

During one of those exchanges of SMS, you were able to confirm my greatest fear in this blossoming “friendship”. Yes, you were married and have a 7-year old child. The revelation sent me celebrating the new year with a heavy heart. You said that you are separated, but I was too afraid to ask what does that separation means. Geographically separated? Legally separated?

Fear crept in, I chose to keep my silence for the fear of knowing more, and eventually, for the fear of being hurt once again. What you had disclosed did not hinder me from being attached to you, but I took it as a challenge, keeping in mind that you are already separated. I was willing to take the risk. The risk of being ridiculed and be the center of gossip in the society that I have a very good reputation. I was willing to cross the line, and I was also willing to take for granted people who set the line that I was willing to cross…You called me by the name which means “virtuous”. I claimed the name as if it was really mine and you even went as far as calling me “my virtuous”.

During my special day, you surprised me with one of your God-given talent which makes you standout among guys I know. The gift sent me smiling all throughout the day, every time I was feeling down, I’ll just take a look in my mobile phone, and view your gift, and I’ll be feeling ok again. Friends kept telling me to be cautious of my emotions in case this will be like my previous “encounters” with guys. But being the hard-headed that I am known for, I never listened. I let myself fall for you; I fell very hard for you. And today, I am suffering the consequences of my actions. I assumed that the “friendship” could lead to something, and I expected that we share the same feelings for each other, I was wrong.

Days have passed and still, I got no response from you. I’ve stopped communicating with you for the fear of losing my self respect, making a fool out of myself, almost to the point of pleading for you reply. I am left hanging once again, not knowing what’s next? Tell me if this is the end of our “friendship, be man enough admit that you have no intention of reciprocating whatever feelings that I have for you. Have the courage to tell me that it is better to keep our distance from each other, that this is the best for the two of us. Then a peaceful heart and mind will be once again reign within me…Is this really the end bossing? Tell me, so that I can start searching again for my Noah...

-Pia