promoted

"even if you and I are not talking and everything seems to be complicated, you are still the first person that I would like to share the good news with. I did it, I got the promotion."

i texted him yesterday, pero wala pa din.

it's really over

waiting

07 March 2013

G,

It's nice to know na you're already talking to me after almost 3 weeks. Kaso mukhang mauulit na naman because of my big mouth. My fault. I should have stayed quiet, kaso I cannot resist not saying my piece. Sinabi ko lang naman yung observations ko.

Our first one and a half months, walang palya, you will always asked how my day went. Yung reminder na kumain na is always there. Paminsan-minsan, magpapaka-sweet ka and will ask kung nasaan na ko. All those changed after your "quiet moment". Pati nga pagsasabi ng "i love you", wala na din unless ako ang unang mauna. And I'm wondering, bakit kaya?

Simple lang naman yung pangarap ko na relationship. Yung normal lang. Yung at the end of a long and tiring day, alam ko na may tao na magtatanong how my day went. Yung makikinig sa kwento, rant at reklamo ko and magsasabi na "hey, everything will be ok" or yung "kaya mo yan". Simple lang diba? Sabi naman sayo, mababaw lang ako.

I'm not asking for anything for anything more than you could give. Hindi na nga ako nagsasabi na sana kahit man lang quarterly magkita tayo. I'm trying to understand the situation. I'm saving up para kahit ako na lang ang bumisita sayo. Ano lang yung pwede kong hingin? All I'm asking is that sana huwag lumampas yung araw na hindi tayo nakakapag-usap. Minsan kasi, naiiyak ako knowing na kayang-kaya mo akong tiisin. Ganito na nga tayo, papahirapan pa ba natin yung situation?

And I meant it when I said na naiinggit ako sa Aim, or rather yung commitment and dedication mo sa group. Sana G, kahit man lang half ng effort mo sa Aim, sana amramdaman ko sa atin dalawa. Nakaka-tampo na kasi minsan kasi pakiramdam ko, hindi naman ako importante sayo. Honestly, I'm so close in giving up. Pero pilit pa din ako humahanap ng dahilan why I should stay. Mas madami pa din naman kasi yung good things versus the not so good things kaya I am still staying. A friend said pabayaan at iwan na lang kita, you want to know what my answer was? "hindi, kasi ginusto ko 'to"

I hope things will eventually go back to the good old times. Yung time na hindi nawawala yung smile ko the whole day kasi alam ko na ok tayo. Yung time na alam ko na mahal mo din ako.

Tomorrow, March 8, is our 3rd month of being together. Being a man of few words, alam ko hindi ka magbabanggit ng tungkol doon, you may not even text me tomorrow kasi galit ka pa sa mga sinabi ko kanina. Pero sana na lang you will still remember that 3 months ago, while waiting at the Cebu - Mactan International Airport, you told me that you love me. And that changed my world.

I love you G, I really do.

Laarni


*I texted him Friday night, March 8:
"probably it doesn't matter, hindi naman big deal, naalala ko lang. happy 3rd month"
He never replied.
 
Been calling and texting him since Thursday night (March 7), and no response until now. Hindi ko na alam kung ano pa ang iisipin ko. Nakakapagod ng mag-isip at umiyak. The rational part of me knows that I need to let go, while the other half is saying otherwise. But how can you end and let go of something that you really wanted from the start?

Ang prayer ko na lang everyday, sana safe siya at sana ok siya sa bagong work nya.

 

58 days

This is not your usual story where boy meets girl, boy courted girl, girl said yes, and they lived happily after that. This story defied all norms set by society, where it was met by raising eyebrows, a waggling finger and a shaking head.

Girl met boy in one of those office conferences, he was new to the group and the girl was tasked to help him settle in the new environment. He was aloof, but what struck the girl was the way he carries himself and he had her at his smile. Since they were working in the same agency but in different geographical locations, it was easy for girl to get in touch with boy in the guise that it was all business – related. Text messages were sent, food and shirt and a book were delivered thru the local package courier, and the girl finally realized that she was falling for the boy. With each business and personal requests of the boy, she moved mountains to be able to give a speedy and accurate response. She can still remember the time where she travelled for north to south to pick up documents sent by the boy and rushed back to the office to beat the deadline of submission for his application.

It was not for long that the girl started entertaining the idea that maybe the boy no longer treats her as a friend but something more, something that she started praying for. Friends and officemates warned her that she will just have her heart broken if she continues dreaming of him sweeping her off her feet. Being the hard-headed that she is known for, she did not listen. Instead, she mustered enough courage and asked the boy point blank if there is more to their being friends but instead of answering, the boy started to stay away from her.  Calls were unreturned, messages were left unanswered, and e-mails were unnoticed. It was the end as what her friends will tell her. But no, the girl was a true believer that God will grant everyone the deepest desire of their hearts but all in His time. So for the next 2 years, she will utter a silent prayer to the One above to grant her fervent request: let her feelings be reciprocated by the boy she loves the most. Every church she visited, every novena prayer that she partakes in, there will always be a special prayer request intended for the boy.

Alas, it did happen, her prayers were granted almost 3 months ago. A scene worthy of a place in telenovelas or even the movies, it happened after one of their meetings in a province down South. Girl was already waiting for her flight to commence when boy texted her those 3 little words every girl dreams of hearing. She was literally in cloud nine and only the plane’s seatbelt restrained her from jumping around. The next 58 days were pure bliss, and as a popular song goes, she could not ask for anything more.

How the girl wishes that their story will just stay like that but things started to change in an instant. Suddenly, they were back to where they started. Calls were unreturned and messages were left unanswered again much to the girl’s dismay. No explanation was offered and pleas of the girl fell in deaf ears. She did almost everything she knows to win him back, but to no avail. She did things she was not proud of just so the boy will talk to her, but nevertheless, she does not regret any of it. She wants to be able to say that she did her best.  

It took the girl 5 long years to enter again in a mature relationship after experiencing a bad break-up. She chose to wait for that special person because she cannot handle anymore the pain of ending a relationship. She abhorred the agony of suffering that she went through and now, it is happening again. Before starting the day, thoughts of the boy will creep into her mind and even after a long tiring day at the office, when she is alone in her room and before she closes her eyes to sleep, tears will start pouring in. Insomnia started setting in so she turned to her work for diversion, staying late in the office and bringing paper works home so that when her body is tired, it can never resist the need to sleep. She refused to see her friends for fear of answering their question: what happened? Not only that she doesn’t have something concrete to give to them, but also because she cannot face the truth that it might be really over. She started questioning the One above on why He gave something and took it away from her grasps in an instant. Is it because of past sins? Is it because she was not praying regularly?  Or because she forgot to thank each saint that she prayed for during the time she was praying for the boy? 

The girl cannot help but think that the boy chose the easy, but the most coward, way out of their relationship. He turned his back and walked away from her without giving her the chance to know what went wrong and a chance to fix things in their relationship that needs repairing. It was one of those moments wherein the saying “the worst goodbyes are the ones not said and were not explained” was exemplified. There are only two questions that she needs to hear the answer: does the boy still love her and does “us” still exist?

Does the girl hate the boy after all of these? She could not bring herself to hate him, despite of everything that had happened. Ironically, she loves him to the core.

This is not your usual story where the boy and the girl they live happily after. This is a story of how a girl is hoping to find her happy ending with the boy she dreams of being with.

I miss him, but missing him is a reminder of what may never be and what I may never have again.