the end

Mactan - Cebu International Airport
03 May 2013
1930H

G,

December 08, 2012, I was in this same place waiting for our flight back to Manila. It was one of those moments wherein I don't want to go back but will rather stay here in Cebu with you. I was at my happiest that day. Imagine, two years of praying has paid off. You told me that you love me.

Almost five months after, I am not even sure if all of it were true. You are still not talking to nor acknowledging my existence. Yes, I finally snapped three weeks ago when I finally told you what I was keeping for for a long time. I am so hurt with what happened to us. I was not given the chance to hear an explanation from you.

G, how do you start letting go of something that you've always wanted? For weeks, yun ang ginagawa ko. I've set deadlines na ako mismo ang hindi sumusunod. I was waiting for a change of heart, I was waiting na everything will get back to where it was before. Until now, wala akong makitang reason kung bakit for how many times balewala ako sayo. But I don't need to dwell anymore, nangyari na lahat eh. Saturated na ako, gustuhin ko man na umasa pa, alam at nararamdaman ko naman na wala nang mangyayari. Naisip ko kasi, kung ginusto mo na maayos tayo, you could have easily reached me. Pero wala dba.

I was praying for closure, for a clean break for you. Pero tama sila, sapat ng closure yung paglayo mo. You chose the easy way out, walang usap, walang confrontation and it's so unfair G. But I will give it to you. Ako na ang titigil, ako na din ang lalayo ng tuluyan sayo. Kahit masakit, kahit hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit nangyayari to. Also, hindi na makatarungan para sa mga taong laging nandyan para sa akin pero lagi ko din binabalewala yung mga sinasabi nila.

Nagpunta ako dito sa Cebu to face my fears. I will never look Cebu the same way again. There will always be a tinge of pain lalong lalo na dito sa airport pre-departure area. McDonalds Jones Ave. will be a reminder of what happened, same with Sarrosa and Parklane Hotel. I will never go to Sagada because you will always come to my mind pag nabanggit yun.

Akala ko makakaya ko ang lahat pero how can I hold on to a hand that is letting go? Suko na ako G. Nagmahal lang naman ako, minahal lang naman kita sa pamamaraan na alam ko. I would like to think na naibigay at nagawa ko na ang lahat to save the "relationship" pero ikaw mismo ang ayaw magpa-save.

Tama ako, I always have my heart broken in Cebu. In 2010, I left my heart here when I met you. In 2011, I got my heart broken here. In 2012, my heart was in its happiest state when I left Cebu. And now, May 2013, I think the pattern has to end. Sabi kanina ni Ironman kay Pepper, "you've got to let go. I will catch you." Ganun na nga G, I have to let go of you. I need to let you go already. You will be that one lesson that I had to learn in a very hard and hurtful way. I do not regret loving you, it was a risk that I took but eventually failed. What I regret is forcing myself to you, forcing you to love me, kahit na alam ko naman na imposible.

Someday, someone will catch me.

Laarni


Note:
I was crying incoherently the whole time we were waiting at the boarding gate of the airport, hanggang sa pag-take off ng plane, I was sobbing. It was December 10, 2011 all over again