3 months after, here I am trying to pick up the pieces of my broken, shattered and wasted life. I can still vividly remember the scenario that shook my then almost perfect life, the day you decided to end our relationship. I came from a talk, called you up and innocently asked what was bothering you since you refused to meet me that day. I’ll never forget the turn of events after that question. You started telling me to have a life of my on, that the relationship is going nowhere and that you don’t love me anymore. Shock is an understatement, my body went numb and I started crying incoherently, pleading for you to have mercy and to give the relationship another shot, but my pleas fell on deaf ears. You still went on with your decision, hurting me so much in the process and breaking my lucidity. You even went as far as telling me pointblank that you don’t give a damn on me anymore. That hurts, 100% brutal. It didn’t cross my mind that I will hear those words from you, from the same person that I respected, cared and most especially, love for four long years. But the fighter in me still wants to save what we had, but I was turned down one after the other. I’ve spent days after that painful night crying, pleading, contemplating, and yes, even bargaining again. There are so many questions left unanswered which still linger on mind until now: what went wrong? Am I not lovable enough? Is there another girl? And it goes on and on… The endless tirades of why and what if always crosses my mind which nearly causes me to lose what little respect I have for myself.
I finally mustered enough courage 2 months ago, to collect all things which remind me of him and of our 4 year relationship. It took me that long before deciding to finally gather all things which gave me happiness years back. Some may find it too late, but I think I deserved to have sufficient time for me to mourn and cherish what we once had. Looking back at those things brought good and bad memories. Tears fell as I unconsciously recall what we, I, had one through. I hugged his basketball shirt, smelling what little scent it still has, hoping that somehow, he can still feel my embrace even though we’re now apart. One by one, I started reading the letters he gave me. The pledge of love for the four years that we shared together as a couple is very apparent. I can still remember the giddy feeling every time I will receive a card from him, always anticipating the undying promise of love and devotion but like almost all promises, that pledge was broken.
I had so many dreams built with and around him, but like the sand in the seashore, the water washed them all away. I came across a list I made when I was still in college, listed on it are my dreams 5 and 10 years from that day on, half of the things listed there involves him, but sadly, it will never see the dawn of reality. There will now be a part of my pile of dreams that did not materialize, a pile that has been growing over the years.
Letting go and moving on are two different things, two of the most difficult things that I had to do in order to free myself from the non-stop bouts of crying fest and self pitying. I am a broken person, with a broken heart. I still love you, I really do but I lost myself in the process of loving you too much. . But primarily, I need to accept the events that happened, acceptance should be done for one to let go and be able to move forward. Standing up again after falling too hard is a tough job to do, but one has to do it, for in accepting things especially those that bring you pain and suffering are all part of the cycle of life. We can only move on if we accept the things that we don’t want to happen, learn the things we don’t want to know and let go of the memories that we can’t live without. This will be a very slow and painful process of healing, but maybe, just maybe, God has better plans in store for me. This too shall pass…
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference” – St. Francis of Assisi
***July 11, 2007 - today should have been technically our 4th year anniversary. 4 years ago, you declared that we will make it better this time... 4 years later here I am, alone and broken. Trying to rise from the fall***
1 comment:
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