timeout muna

Warning! I still have a hangover from last night's concert so allow me to rave and rant :D
 

yesterday was just "another Thursday night" what made it special was the chance to watch my favourite vocal group performed live. We left South Harbor at 5 PM, arrived in Lakefront Sucat around 7:15 PM. Mali pa ang nababaan namin buti na lang may shuttle. Anyway, the concert was so awesome! The crowd sung and danced while they perform their own compositions and covers. When they sung “Now that I Have You” and “Pakisabi na lang”, sabi ko sulit na sulit na ang bayad ko. But what awed me the most was the group’s very humble demeanor, especially Sir Moy Ortiz, during the meet and greet part where he personally thanked everyone who lined-up for autograph. He said before ending the show “Alam namin na marami kayong pwedeng pagpiliian ngayong gabi, but you chose us.”
 

The 2 – hour travel was very worth it. Thank you The CompanY for making my “another Thursday night” memorable.

hearts day

Last night, Ash Wednesday, I attended the mass. I seated at the back of the choir loft. I was so exhausted because after work I proceeded to my driving lesson and given the circumstances of recent events, I'm so dead tired. A fellow pastoral worker walked in front of me, sensing that I'm in deep thought:

Sis Grace: Huwag mong isipin yun, mahal ka nun

 I just smiled. If she only knew how her words affected me. When she left, I said to myself:

Laarni: Hindi po ako mahal nun. Kasi kung mahal nya ko, hindi nya gagawin sa akin yung ganito.

And it dawned on me to just accept everything that happened. I'm hurting because of the unfairness of the situation. I was not given the chance of knowing what went wrong. I wish that you were man enough to face me and tell it straight that it is over. 

I though February 14, 2013 will be different from the previous 5 years.

58 days

He's been ignoring my messages and my calls for 6 days already. ano ba dapat ang isipin ko? I think it's over. Maybe ayaw lang nya na sa kanya manggaling. Pero matalino naman ako, nagets ko na.

I sent him these messages last Sunday 02.10.13

"I don't have any idea kung ano ang nangyayari ngayon. I'm trying pero nahihirapan akong intindihin"

"Its been days. Gustong gusto kitang kamustahin kaso alam ko naman na wala akong makukuhang sagot. ingat ka"

When I opened my facebook yesterday, uploaded pics nya ang una kong nakita. nag zipline siya and went to different places. But what struck me is that his post "I'am free".
 
Yesterday also is the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes. It has been our tradition, Lester and I, to hear mass in the National Shrine of Our Lady of Lourdes. After Communion, I started crying. Nagsumbong ako sa Kanya. I cannot understand what and why is it happening. Naisip ko, baka nakulitan na sa akin si God kaya binigay na lang nya. Parang ganito:

Laarni: Lord, sige na ibigay mo na lang siya sa akin (This was my prayer for 2 years)God: Hay naku, sige na nga, para hindi mo na ko kulitin

I texted him last night:
"Kung ano man yung problema, kelangan mong ayusin or asikasuhin, pwede mo naman ako isama. Alam ko kasi yun yung 1 reason kaya people enter in relationships, para may kasama, good or bad times"

Balik na naman ang insomnia ko. 2 AM gising pa ko, tapos magigising ako ng 5 AM. 

Hindi ko maiwasan isipin na he chose the easy, but the most coward, way out of this relationship. He turned his back on me, and walked away from us. Hindi makaka-gaan ng loob, magiging masakit pa din, pero sana sinabi na lang niya sa akin na ayaw na nya, na wala na, na it's over.

Paulit-ulit na ako, pero ansakit sakit sakit..

What hurts the most is that I do not hate him, but rather, I am still in-love with him.

letter to nowhere

02.04.13

 

G,

Hindi ko masabi sayo sa text, hindi din naman tayo nag-uusap sa phone, lalo naman hindi ko alam kung kailan tayo magkikita kaya idaan ko na lang sa letter. I know sasabihin mo na naman “emo  emo ka na naman dyan”. Eto ako eh, you are the rational one, and I’m the emotional one.

December 08 was one of my happiest days, ka-linya na siya ng iba pang important events sa buhay ko. It was something that I was praying for almost 2 years. Sabi ko before going to Cebu, kung ano man ang mangyari, good or bad, I will accept it and will start 2013 with whatever is remaining with me.

When I took the risk of falling for you, alam ko na the distance is part and parcel of it. I know ours will be the kind wherein lagi akong mag-aabang ng long weekends at airline promo fare.  Ok lang yun, it’s a small price to pay.  I was preparing myself kasi a long distance relationship is not for the weak-hearted. Sabi naman kasi,  4 na bagay lang ang kailangan to make this work: love, fidelity, trust and communication. We have our own issues, our own sumpongs and peeves. Gusto ko nag-uusap tayo araw-araw, ayaw mo ng pinangungunahan kita. Naiinis ako kasi 3 beses pa lang tayo naguusap over the phone, ayaw mo kapag nag-eemote ako. Pinapa-kumplikado ko ang mga bagay bagay, hindi ka considerate. And the list goes on and on. But I know we’re both trying. I’m trying to be the most supportive and understanding girlfriend.

Now the confession part…

What hurts me is that sometimes I don’t think that I’m of importance to you. Nagtataka ako bakit I need to ask pa para lang tumawag ka, minsan kinakalimutan ko na nga lang yung pride ko. Sorry sa itatanong ko, hindi ka ba ready na malaman ng iba na tayo na?

Yung Sagada trip, I have to admit, sobrang disappointed lang ako, Alam ko naman na wala naman ng mangyayari, na its beyond our control but still, hindi ba ko pwedeng magsabi ng disappointment ko? I was asking you kung anong plan B natin, kaso sabi mo pag-iisipan mo pa. Gusto mo ba ko makita? Baka umalis ka na nga lang ng Bureau, hindi pa tayo magkita.

And your resignation. I’m very happy for your new job, believe me, I’m happy for you. Anything na gagawin mo, I’ll always support you. Kaso natatakot lang ako. I’m scared of the possibilities once na lumipat ka na. I don’t want to think about it, kaso I can’t help it.

I have my own shortcomings, and I’m sorry for those but as what I have said, I’m trying.  Sinabi ko lang yung confession part kasi I need to be honest with you. Kakayanin  ko yung distance and yung busy schedule mo at pagiging suplado mo, kung you’ll bear with me also. I’m in this relationship for the long run, and I hope ikaw din.  

I love you.

Laarni